When You're the Only One Trying
How to tell the difference between a temporary imbalance and a fundamental mismatch.
You've been the one initiating. The one reaching out. The one suggesting the plans, having the hard conversations, asking how they're doing, trying to keep the connection alive.
And somewhere in the middle of all that trying, you started to wonder: If I stopped, would any of it keep going?
That question is important. Because the answer tells you something real.
All Relationships Go Through Imbalances
First — it's normal for effort to ebb and flow. There are seasons in every relationship where one person carries more. A hard stretch at work. A mental health spiral. A family situation. Times when one person is running on empty and the other holds things together.
That's not a problem. That's partnership.
The problem is when the imbalance is permanent. When you look back and realize you've been the one initiating for six months. A year. Longer. And when you slow down or stop, the connection doesn't just drop — it disappears.
The Test Nobody Wants to Take
Here's the honest test: stop initiating for a week.
Don't text first. Don't make plans. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't ask how they're doing or suggest a date or send the meme you knew they'd like.
Just... stop. And watch.
If they reach out — even once, even imperfectly — there's something there to work with. The relationship exists even when you're not pushing it forward.
If a week goes by and you hear nothing, or only hear from them because they needed something, or they seem to not have noticed that anything is different — that's information. Painful information. But information.
The Difference Between Won't and Can't
Before you draw conclusions, it's worth asking: is this person unable to show up the way you need — or are they choosing not to?
Some people genuinely don't know how to initiate. They weren't raised in an environment where affection was expressed outwardly. Reaching out feels awkward or vulnerable or weird to them, even when they care deeply. This is something that can be worked on, if they're willing.
Other people are just... not that invested. They're comfortable with the relationship being low-effort because they're comfortable with it being low-priority. Not maliciously. Just honestly.
You deserve to know which one you're dealing with.
Having the Conversation
If you want to try before you give up, have the conversation directly.
Not as an accusation. As a need:
"I've been feeling like I'm the one keeping us connected lately. I don't want to resent you for it — but I'm starting to. I need to feel like this is something we're both in. What's your experience of us right now?"
Then listen. Really listen. Not just for what they say but how they say it.
Do they seem surprised? Good — they might not have realized. Are they defensive? Worth exploring why. Do they seem indifferent? That's your answer.
What Love Actually Requires
Love isn't just a feeling. It's an action. It's choosing, repeatedly, to show up for someone.
If someone loves you, they will — imperfectly, in their own way, not always how you want it — show up. They will reach. They will try.
You are not responsible for carrying a relationship alone. You're also not able to, long-term, without destroying yourself in the process.
You deserve someone who makes you feel chosen. Not someone you have to convince to stay.
Know the difference. And act accordingly.
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